For A Bit of Love

A/N: I miss my Byakuya-niisama!! (cries) I dunno why... but I simply miss him!!

Sigh... anyway.... fic from my heart....
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For once, she just wanted to know how it felt like to have a true brother. Everyone was just too busy to fawn over her, so she created a world in which she was safe, often retreating behind another, darker personality to guard her easily wounded heart.

In the end, that wild, dark side of her took over, freezing her heart to any feelings of conscience or hurt, showing her the freedom of going wild, letting loose, rebelling against everything she had been taught before. And she simply loved the feeling it gave her. Each time she did something, each time her sharp tounge hurt others, each time she gave someone a reason to hate her, it slashed at her heart, leaving a deep wound, but because it was frozen solid, no pain was felt. Not even the slightest bit of remorse.

But even so, not all shields hold. The first time she met him, he was a funny, kind man six years older than herself. Her second crush. She had long given up on her first, becoming normal friends with him instead, and gave her love to this man instead. He gave her the attention she craved, spoke kind words to her... but broke her heart in the end. And that night, in so many years, she cried.

She never cried again after that. Nor did she trust another man.

But as the years passed, her yearning for someone to give her his attenttion, to be close to her and hug her at night, staying by her side till she fell asleep grew. She longed for a brother, for someone to look up to, for someone to bully yet still love her, for someone who could tame the dark side within her. The ice around her heart, thick as it may seem, somehow began melting on the inside, collapsing within itself, while the outer layer stood as firm as ever.

It began touching the frozen wounds, thawing them.. and for the first time since she hid herself inside... the little girl saw the sunlight again. Alone behind a locked door, she cried herself to sleep, pouring out her anger, misery and grief at being alone. It went on... and it still went on.

A loner and a person that talked to herself often, she retreated into the world she created again, this time painting a more vivid picture of what she wanted to be alike and how she wanted life to be like, but this only served to bring about more grief to herself. Standing in front of the mirror, she knew she could never be the person she wanted to be. She would never be the emerald-eyed, black haired intelligent and strong beauty of her making, never live in complete freedom, never know how it feels like to have someone love her.

So many cold nights, and she passed all of them mourning for the brother she never had. Oh, how she longed to cuddle up with an older brother during rainy days, get bullied, put her head in his lap and feel his hand on her forehead as she drifted off to sleep with a smile, knowing someone would be there for her, feeling his comforting presense..... She would never have the privelage to feel all that.

Then... her world began to crumble as she reality of growing older hit her. Her make believe guardian disappeared, causing her to scream out in silent agony each time she cried, venting out her frustrations in the form of songs or writing. Her dark side, tamed now, stayed faithfully with her, but what could a reflection do for comfort? She wanted someone to comfort her... but she had no one...

For a bit of love...

I am that girl that cries out each time in her heart for the craving need of affection. I am that little girl that so long ago tried to take her own life because of frustration, desprate need and depression. I froze myself, I didn't allow myself to be influenced by my consience, and I hurt others as easily as taking a blade and cutting a line through your skin. And I don't feel the hurt I put on others or myself.

But despite all that, I still cry at night behind the locked door of my room. I'd go up, turn on the radio, put a cd on, curl up on the bed with a pillow in my arms and cry and cry and cry for hours on end. I tried to take my own life again... last year... but it didn't turn out. I'm afraid of death.

I'd do anything, just for a bit of love. Just to feel a warm hand on my forehead and and to hear a quiet voice before I sleep. Just to have someone.... or anyone say that they love me, or they're proud of me. Just to be able to stop the tears that flow so easily from my eyes like what is happening now.

Anything....

Just for a bit of love......